coming for a visit - not a marriage proposal

So I'm trying to figure out why I'm avoiding this email, because I clearly am.
I'm apprehensive about your visit, partly because I'm very worried about how little time I'd be able to give you,
but mainly because of what it means. I keep telling in myself that it's like a friend is coming to visit, because that seems to be the only thing that makes me not stress.
So then I wonder why I need to do that, because I care for you and I really do enjoy spending time with you.

It's kinda hard to explain why the idea of having a significant other installs panic in me, but that's what happens anytime I think of being attached to a person, and it just makes me avoid you at all costs.
I know you aren't pressuring me or asking for anything from me, it just that your actions suggest you want more than we have, and that's hard for me.
What I'm saying is that I've had a great time with you, and i've learned and grown being around you, but it was always something I felt that was transient.
That's not to say that I thought we would disappear from each others lives when I moved away. I'm not really sure what I thought would happen, I avoided the thought.
I suppose this is what you were getting at on the swings way back...

You had mentioned on the phone you wanted an indication about whether there was a potential we, or if you should be out meeting new people.
Please don't hold back from anything on my account, it's safe to say I'm not in the head space for a any kind of relationship in the near future.
I definitely enjoy having you in my life, and I really hope we can be friends for a long time, because our heads are both quirky enough to make a pretty effing delightful combination.
This isn't me saying you shouldn't come visit, but this is me saying that you shouldn't be investing yourself into a potential future of some kind between us. I'm just not there.

I know this email doesn't say anything profound or have any much input from me, it's just me letting you know what i'm thinking, and why i'm acting the way i am.
I hope you are having a great little break and getting some of your wonderful art done. What have you been up to? Really am sorry about how shit I am at the communications...
certainly not my strong point. Just being an ostrich. Take care for now


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