I want you, but I don't...

I wanted to write to you and clarify a few things, im sorry it has taken me this long, but my life is my life..

I want to first thank you again for the birthday surprise, although im not sure how much you will still want to go with me in feb. I am truly happy with just the thought.

Some of the messages you sent me really bothered me and concerned me. which is astonishing in itself because in most other cases i wouldnt have cared. just replied "fuck you" and deleted your number. Maybe there was some sort of confusion on my part. but last time I checked you were in a relationship with someone else. So my "caring" for you has always been in accordance.

I dont know how to explain how i feel about you, sometimes I feel like your the answer to all my questions. Sometimes I feel like you may be the one person who understands me. And some days i come home and the thought of loving someone and being loved back is too disgusting for me to handle. I get sad without warning and distance myself from the world.

Maybe thats just too much for you to handle. But you have always known who I am and what my life is about.

Basically what im saying is, there is alot of my life which is unpredictable and because of this, I fly by the seat of my pants and follow my natural feelings and reactions. I do not deal with drama, or anything i feel is a waste of time I dont have. YOU ARE NOT A WASTE OF MY TIME. However, sending me cranky text msgs assuming my feelings is and thats not going to fly.

I live 24 hours a day and if you would like to be a positive contributor to my 24 hours each day, I am more than happy to have you as a part of my life, and look forward to being a positive influence on your days aswell. But if your going blame me for what I DO or do not feel, I have to just say enough.

Im sorry if this comes across as angry, or too in your face but in hopes of keeping you a part of my life I wanted to put my feelings on the table for you to see....
I love you, i want to do things with you ive never wanted to do with another person. I hope you feel the same.